Talking about Divorce

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

"I HATE him. I don't know what I ever saw in him, and why I even got married to him in the first place. I grew up, he never did. I don't love him. I love someone whom I thought he was"
As I sat there listening to the torrent of harsh words from a good friend of mine, I didn't know what to say. She had made up her mind to get a divorce, and I think all she needs at the moment is just someone to listen to her, and empathise with her situation. I felt that she needed to unleash her thoughts, her feelings, and perhaps even convince herself that she is about to do the right thing.

What could I possibly say? I am not about to give her a morally right (read: self righteous) advice, because I know exactly what her husband has put her through. What struck me most was the choice of words used. She isn't angry, and so the words were not said in anger. She seems more resigned than anything else. Tired, almost. Perhaps even somewhat relieved.

Have you ever thought - that perhaps we hate only because we know what's it like to love?

I'm not sure what is it about the most powerful of emotions that makes them so inexplicably intertwined in some way or the other. Is it really true that if we love a person, assuming that if they were to do us wrong, the hate within would be much more than if we were not to care too much about that person?

Then again, is it even possible for us to hate a person whom we (used to?) love?

I've always thought that love should be unconditional, that it gives without expecting anything in return, it yields without contempt, and it forgives without the slightest hesitation. Perhaps my views of love are conservative, maybe even a tad impractical and unrealistic, but shouldn't that be what love is all about?

Could it be that love has become slightly overrated - or is it that we can hate what a person does to our innermost feelings, which has so far been governed by love? Is it all too difficult to handle the myriad of emotions lying on the opposite ends of the spectrum? Do we go into the self defensive mode when we are made to confront our vulnerabilities?

There is no denying that once upon a time, my friend and her husband were very much in love. They loved each other enough to want to grow old together. Sadly, somewhere along the way, things happened. I will not elaborate on the nature of events which took place that has eventually led to the current situation, but regardless of whether the decision is deemed right or wrong, it is not my place to judge. As a friend, I will only be there to provide my unwavering support.

It's sad when a union breaks down, but I am thankful, at least - that there are no kids involved in this instance. Alarmingly, too many of my friends (who got married much earlier than I did) are either going through a divorce, or have been through it. Many couples choose to separate or grow apart because they simply were not honest enough or brave enough to confront their differences. 

Marriage is not only about love. Or hate. Or being in love with a person enough to accept him or her the way they are per se. Marriage is almost like a job in which you have signed a life long contract. It's a job where two people have to work the hardest at. Harder than any other job we've ever been employed in. Some people cave in to the pressure and choose to leave. Some will weather all storms and evolve together.

At this stage in my life, when I think about people in general, I realise one thing. When I look at a person - any person, someone whom I'm close to, an acquaintance, or even a stranger... I realise that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through trying times in life which has made them who they are.

Divorce may not be an option for many people, but in some cases, it may be the only way so that they can live again.

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  1. The feeling of hate and love are actually located in the same part of the brain that processes emotions, hence, there is only a fine line between love and hate. You love that's why you hate. You hate, because you loved. Otherwise, you would be indifferent.

    1. Totally agree! That's why I feel that we 'hate' a person because we have surrendered our feelings once upon a time. Made ourselves vulnerable, and hence we feel strongly when they have hurt us.

      Both are abstract nouns anyways. Feelings which are impossible to describe.

  2. Sometimes a swirl of emotion wears us out both physically and emotionally. Some who undergo the procedures of divorce find it taxing as well as mentally draining. After going through the motions, that feeling of starting anew minus the emotional baggage sets them to a new path.



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